WHAT AM I TO DO NOW
waves won’t stop

This isn’t something that anyone needs to automatically avoid. Nothing said here is going to ruin anybody’s day……………….
If Anyone want to know how I’m doing, I’m doing pretty good. I know a statement like that doesn’t really mean a thing.
The big question is not how “I’m” doing, but how are you doing my dear friend? For my part, I’m very distraught right now and I hope what I’m about to say makes sense to you.
If you want to know how I am doing, I don’t even know myself how I’m doing?
Sometimes I feel like I’m only some sort of odd reactionary device that only goes off when friends are having trouble with their lives.
My life is such a mess of excessive unnecessary thoughts and worn-out emotion. I clearly am not looking at things right. I should be ashamed of myself for feeling so horrible. The truth is, everything in my life is perfect and every day, it’s a pleasure to be alive. Thank you Jesus. I pray you could just help me to realize this more fully and more often.
For my part, as far as how I am doing personally, I don’t really care. You see, I feel that I am not concerned very much about myself. Emotion is my compass and rarely is the emotion about me. My emotion centers squarely in the lap of others.
Right now,I can’t stop obsessing over someone.
No, it’s not like you're thinking. I’m not having a romantic love affair with anybody but my wife. But you see, my wife has absolutely no empathy. It’s not her fault, it simply is what it is. Perhaps I inherited all of her empathy because my empathy knows no bounds. I can become you and do a better job of being you then you can do. I am a world-class empath.
But, I think I’m losing my grip a little bit on being able to face reality.
You might think this is odd because nothing is actually happening to me. But terrible things are happening to my friend right now, therefore things are definitely happening to me.
I simply cannot take the pain of “not knowing”..When everything about someone’s life is up in the air, how can a true friend not be concerned.
It’s so difficult to talk about because I care so much. But I must talk about it because carrying this around inside of me, is eating me alive.
It hurts so much to see a friendship that means so much to you, just disappear in a puff of smoke as though it never occurred. And if it never occurred what is all this emotion that I’m feeling inside of me. Sometimes I just feel like a fool.
As you watch things you love slipping away, You may ask yourself why is it so hard to hold onto some things ?
I can’t quit thinking about it. She knows me well enough to know that I worry. It’s what I do. If I care about you, it’s as though I want to live your life for you, because you are definitely screwing it up.
(Oh well, there you have it. Now I’m afraid of angering you by simply telling the truth. What if you became offended because you didn’t think I was understanding you?)
You keep compounding bad decisions on top of one another. I don’t claim to be perfect when making decisions. Actually, because I’ve made so many mistakes in life. That makes me a bit of an expert, doesn’t it?
Why can’t you come to me. Why don’t you see me as a friend that you can confide in. Maybe you do see me that way, but we never talk anymore so I don’t know how you feel. Everything that we knew about each other in the past seems to be sliding away. If you ever come back to our friendship, I’m going to need to get to know you all over again, just as though we were strangers.
Sometimes, I wonder if you want my friendship. Are pushing me away ?
I must tell you, I don’t take hints very well. If you move away from the idea of you and me being friends, that’s okay. I will move on and I will be fine. But when I look inside of my heart, it just doesn’t feel like you are giving me the air.
I believe you when you say that you’ve been trying to get to me, but everything seems to be in the way.
It would be so easy for you to just say to me that I’m not the sort of friend you want. If you tell me that you don’t care for me as a person, I will totally understand. But you are not saying that, are you?
I’ve gotten used to people judging me and casting me aside. Those kind of people make me nauseous because they don’t know how to be direct. They start picking you apart and pointing out your flaws. It’s like you’re going to get a vaccination, but the nurse eases the needle into you because she doesn’t want to hurt you.
It’s as though some people think that it’s more kind to back out of the friendship slowly by pointing out your flaws. I have flaws, you have flaws, everybody has flaws. I would never ever do this to you. I would never point out how your flaws disgusted me and say, I don’t want to have anything to do with you, and leave the impression that you are somehow unworthy.
I feel that I totally accept your flaws just as you accept me and my flaws.
Perhaps, To lose me, that’s best for you. What good could I be anyway? Just some guy that claims he cares about you. What’s the good of telling you any of this. Your head is in the sand. You’re not hearing anything that I’m saying.
They say no good deed goes unpunished. I am so frustrated. I feel like I never even got a chance to truly communicate enough with you. All we ever did is react to the world environment and we never got to share our philosophy on life and our take on emotions that everyone shares such as love. You and I to came together and through a mutual friendship bond, and we tried to understand each other. How wonderful it is to have some other person on the planet that you can tell everything to.
I have other friends. I will not die if you need to go your own way. Just tell me straight up if you need to lose my friendship. If all you can give me right now is breadcrumbs because your life is in such shambles, that’s enough for me. I will never abandon you when you are hurting.
But if you’re only giving me breadcrumbs because you know how bad I’m going to hurt if you leave our friendship, then stop doing that. You don’t need to backpedal if you want me out of your life. Just say so directly. But unless I hear those words from you, I promise you my dear friend, I will never abandon you no matter what, so pardon me while I have a real good morning cry.
I know your life is in turmoil and I know you have the desire to speak .
I just don’t know how I stand with you. I think I know, but people change.
If us dropping our friendship is necessary, then so be it.
If we were only meant to be at each other’s lives for a little while, it was so beautiful my dear friend and I’ll never forget you. I wish you the best in life. But I’m so terrified to lose you..
Just be brave my dear friend. I love you dearly, but I’ve lost before and I will survive. And I know you will survive too.

Cut it, cut it, let the blood flow
Make it quick, cause’ I love you so.
Don’t want to scare you,
but I want you to know,
cut it, cut it, let the blood flow.
Make it quick, cause’
I miss you so.