THIS OR THAT ?
This writing is in response to a “This or That “challenge issued by J.D. Nealey. This one deals with dark things that you would normally find in scary monster movies or similar . I hope all of you readers don’t have a fit of terror and I really really hope that J.D. Nealey is wearing his brown trousers as he reads this.
SLASHER OR SUPERNATURAL— on one hand, there’s the slasher and you know what he’s going to do. He’s going to slash you. He’s going to hang out in either the attic or the basement, so as long as you keep out of those areas you are pretty safe. If you go to the attic or the basement just carry some Quick Clot to stop the bleeding and Bob’s your uncle. So basically the slasher is boring. I think I would rather be confronted by things supernatural. Anything could happen in the supernatural and maybe it would be good.
ZOMBIES OR CANNIBALS — Zombies are cannibals but they specialize because they only eat brains. They are food purists and they don’t care if the brains are even cooked. They eat them raw right out of the skull and they don’t even care if the brains are organic. I think I could out run a zombie but, if he cought me, I don’t think I’d like to hear the crunching sound as he was biting through my skull and eating my brain. Too much like going to the dentist. On the other hand, I think it is more environmentally friendly to be eaten by a cannibal because the cannibal will eat everything, not just the brain. They are very proud that they waste nothing. I heard a story of two cannibals talking and one cannibal asked the other one are you having a good time to which the reply was — yes, I’m having a ball.
VAMPIRES OR WEREWOLVES — Anyone that would pick werewolves is messed up in the head and they are dead to me. Think about it, werewolves only are active on a full moon and that doesn’t happen all that often. Just don’t go wandering around in the woods on the night of the full moon. Stay home and watch Netflix. If you were really worried about a werewolf chasing you I think you could buy a bear suit online that would protect you while you’re being stupid wandering around in the woods on a night of the full moon. Vampires are another story. You could be immortal and you could hang out with all those goth women that are way too beautiful. Also, you could run around and bite pretty girls on the neck and they would be yours forever. Oh snap ! ! !
HUMANS OR ALIENS — Humans are only 50% scary. Men are ridiculous and their insanity is terrifying , But women are delightful creatures sent from heaven by angels. I am not scared in the least by the idea that I would be getting attacked millions of wonderful women, that is very tempting indeed however, I have a scientific mind and I would love to discuss the universe with an alien and expand my mind.
WITCHES OR WARLOCKS — Think about this, men are dicks that screw things up. I am not letting a warlock come after me.
To be a witch is special, all you do is create love potions and eat little children. We have way too many little children running around so in a way, wiches are saving the planet by creating less of a carbon footprint from all of those little bugger eaters no longer being around anymore .
JASON OR FREDDIE — Jason is cool but I wish he take off his mask. I think underneath that he looks like Donald Trump.
Freddie has got class, he’s got a great sense of humor because he is always laughing, a wonderful set of parents and I continually wonder who does Freddie’s nails.
SUMMER CAMP OR SUBERB — I would have killed to go to summer camp, literally. Since I didn’t go to camp, It has to be the suberbs where I meet my maker.
LOW BUDGET OR BLOCKBUSTER — Think of George Romano’s “Night of the Living Dead . You could think of it as a very exciting home makeover show. Fighting off zombies and nailing boards across Windows is good exercise and fun. The Sharknado movie series, for instance, there wasn’t much you could do except to run. That is not very creative. There was a lot of creativity and humor in the movie “Slingblade”. It was a “one off” movie…....Good times….
FIGHT OR FLEE — Never flee, everybody knows it’s instinct for pit bulls and bears and wolves to chase you down when you’re running. Stand and fight all your might. You would be amazed how strong you can be when you are about the soil yourself. As a matter of fact, go ahead and soil yourself . noone will mess with you when your pants are full. Would you ?
CEMETARY OR SWAMP — For Pete’s sake, a cemetery is not scary at all. It’s not the dead ones you have to worry about, it’s the live ones that are going to get you. The swamp is way better because you never know what’s going to come up out of the swamp. It could be something good to eat or something that might think that you are good to eat. It’s always so exciting.
SHRUNKIN HEADS OR SKULLS — Ooooooo, I am so on the fence about this one. Shrunken heads are very cool because you can hang them off of your rearview mirror and if you feel peckish you can have some face jerky. Skulls are also cool because with a little work you can turn them into a bong and probably sell them for a fortune. Both of them smell a little corpsey which can be offputting.
MACHETE OR CHAINSAW — Definitely the machete. The machete is cool for two reasons, first of all there’s Danny Trejo, need I say more. Just like farts, the machete is silent and deadly. But if you’re an idiot that’s going to rely on a chainsaw to do your wet work, you need to know that your victim is going to run like hell while you’re trying to get your chainsaw started. It’s not exactly a stealthy weapon.
HOSPITAL OR HOME DEPOT — You might as well go directly to the hospital rather than go through all the time and trouble to buy something at Home Depot only to end up practically killing yourself and then going to the hospital while you’re bleeding to death. Just go to the hospital right off the bat and tell them you’re a late bloomer or an accident to be. Maybe they’ll put you in a restraint chair and give you a shot of something to calm down.
APOCALYPSE OR NO APOCALYPSE — Think about it — why not choose apocalypse because in case you haven’t noticed we’re having an apocalypse right now with what’s going on in the world. Save yourself and throw your enemies under the bus.
NIGHTMARE OR REALITY — When you think about it, reality is a nightmare. These two words are cousins to each other. I can’t seem to choose one over the other.
DUNGEON OR MAZE — I would 10 to 1 rather be in a dungeon because there I could write stories and poetry uninterrupted by anything except the moans and groans of other prisoners and I could tune them out pretty quickly. When you’re stuck in a maze, it is nothing but frustration that goes on forever.
RADIATION OR DISEASE — Radiation is way better than disease because with radiation you can just eat vitamin pills and chug iodine and you’re good to go. Not so with disease, sometimes that doesn’t turn out so good.
SPELLS OR RITUALS — I think this would be a toss-up. Both could possibly be used for evil purposes and it would be delightful to cast evil spells using rituals to turn my enemies into slobbering fools that can’t even control their own bowel movements.
SKELETONS OR GHOSTS — I think skeletons are kind of cool especially if you’re filming a movie, however, it’s hard to get rid of that corpsy smell.
Ghosts have no smell. I don’t know how ghosts got such a bad reputation. Some ghosts are very sexy. Marion Kirby actually slept with topper in the book. How bad can that be. I wonder if they made ghost babies.
SERIES OR STAND ALONE — It really doesn’t matter because the cream always rises to the top. A one star B-movie can be just as good as any Sharknado movie
THEATER OR NETFLIX — Seriously, does anyone go to the theater anymore? Do you enjoy your feet sticking to the floor and the guy behind you talking over the movie? At least with Netflix you can focus on the movie and stop to pee if you like. Then there’s always the code- let’s netflix and chill which is code for making out and maybe more .
