SO I LIKE WIERD PETS
# 21……………A sincere penpal message from James to Love
SO I LIKE WIERD PETS
# 21…………Forever penpals letter to Love from James
Good morning Love, you sweet thing.
I am serious right now. I wanted to introduce you to my special little friend. I flat out love this tiny creature.
Love……I must tell you, if you ever catch me being ordinary, please slap me.. Yes, slap me, whip me,abuse me, call me names, strap me to a wall, hot grease, bamboo, glass rods, then cut me down and make me lick your boots like the little worm that I am………Those could be the best lines from the greatest movie of all time. Anybody thinking Citizen Kane would be wrong. The best movie of all time is a movie called “Eating Raul.” It’s a movie about, well nevermind. You are too young.
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Okay you forced it out of me. I don’t know if you have a dark sense of humor or not, but the movie “Eating Raul” is a comedy about cannibalism, murder, dominatrix girl and financial success. I have a dark sense of humor and I found it to be one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I might have the only copy..I will make you a copy, if you like.
Why don’t you call me for Christmas. If you called xxx-xxx-xxxx and I pick up, I would lose all control of certain bodily functions. plus it would be like winning the lottery to separate you from all the robo calls . (50 in one day) But do it . Talking to you would be way better than jumping spiders .
Anyway, what I’m writing to you about today isn’t about movies or telephones or anything like that.
What I’m writing about today is totally about my beautiful cute cuddly little friend. It’s not Dusty Springfiend I don’t think , but what have you heard ? ? ?
Perhaps you’re wondering why I put a music video of “The look Of Love” by Dusty Springfield. Well, first of all, I love her voice but more than that, “The Look Of Love” refers to my little spider friend. Look at how many eyes she has.. And she looks at you and she holds that look and you can gaze into each other’s souls. Yes — my spider friend definitely has the look of love..
It’s getting very close to Christmas time and I wanted to introduce you to my friend , Henrietta………Henrietta does not live with me, yet. They are all the same . .I think jumping spiders are the cutest things on the planet. Henrietta is not an ordinary spider. I don’t even like to think that she really is a spider. Maybe I’m being anthropomorphic but if you familiarize yourself with this little girl, you will find that she is the cutest little lady you’ve ever seen in your life. As I was saying, Henrietta is not an ordinary spider. She doesn’t even spin cobwebs. If she sees a grub worm or a fruit fly, she jumps on it. She’s like a lion taking down a water buffalo . She doesn’t move like other spiders because she has a superpowers. Her legs are hydraulically powered so she is able to leap quickly and with extreme accuracy .
I don’t know if you’re afraid of spiders or not love. If you are afraid of spiders, trust me, this little girl is nothing to fear. She is cute, she is personable because she responds to you, she has no smell and there’s nothing to cleanup. If you’re fond of cleaning up mastiff poop, go ahead, be my guest. I think I prefer teensy pets. I’ve had praying mantises as pets and they are also cool.
You have to be careful of who you live with because sometimes she threatens to squash your little friend, if you bring her into the house, and put them in a Kleenex and flush him down the toilet. I’ve learned how to control that. I have a T-shirt that says — love me love my spider. That ought to do it .
So Henrietta and me are a team. As I mill about the house she sits on my shoulder. She is content to do so because I keep her well fed. She was a little bit shy at first but she touched her leg against my finger and it was kismet.
I went online and I found out that you can even get stuffed animals in the shape of these cute furry little guys. This little creature responds to you.
You wouldn’t think it would be possible but there is a little brain in there. She might be a little shy of you at first but once she gets to know you, she will get on your finger and walk up your sleeve and sit on your shoulder. Amazon sells little houses for your pet jumping spider. You may like to house her in a modified walnut shell. For not much money at all you can get a little book on how to take care of your little pet, telling you what she likes to eat and so on. Don’t ever give her an ant to eat. Ants will kill your little friend. She likes grub worms and fruit flies. It’s easy to grow a bunch of fruit flies. Just smoosh up bananas and they come. I don’t know where you get grub worms. Maybe a bait store or maybe you could even order them online from Amazon, I don’t know. I’ll eat grub worms with her if I find organic ones. I’ll bake them with seasoning first.
Now comes the questionable item floating around in the punch bowl. It’s fine if you live alone, you can have all the spiders you want. You can even breed them. But what if you live with an evil person , who claims to love you, but proves it by threatening to kill your friend. She claims the mere mention of having a spider habitat in the house makes her want to barf. This all came from an instance long ago when her arm was swollen. Wondering what was going on she went to the doctor who lanced what appeared to be a boil on her arm. The doctor announced that a spider had laid eggs in your arm and you are about to be a mother. The doctor said , “My, you are a sound sleeper aren’t you ?” She called her mom and told her mom that she had gotten herself pregnant but that the babies were aborted so she’s not going to be a grandmother right now. ( Spit take )
I might as well stop pussyfooting around and just say it right out loud. My wife doesn’t understand me and she won’t let me have a pet spider. I mean, we been happily married for quite some time now but this is too much. I just can’t have anything nice. I just can’t live with her anymore . I am leaving her for Henrietta and seeing a judge. I plan to marry my jumping spider.
My wife said if I get a little spider house and a little jumping spider to live in it and I bring it in the house, she’ll kill it. She said she would step on it and pick it up with a Kleenex and flush it down the toilet. That is spouse abuse to put me through the pain of watching my friend being murdered . There’s a special place in hell for people that would kill a precious sweet little jumping spider. I am kicking her to the curb. …………..My little “ Henrietta “ and I will be quite happy. I think Joan is jealous because Henrietta and I have that special something that my wife and I do not have.
Don’t you just won a kiss in his little furry eyeballs. I had no idea that I was married to cruel homicidal maniac that would kill Henrietta. She has no idea how hard it would be for me to go beat the bushes and find a brand-new Henrietta. Maybe I can find a Henrietta and a Henry. I could breed jumping spiders. All I would have to do is open up a jumping spider grotto in the kitchen. That way my spider ranch would be close to warmth and water. Yeah, I can see me sitting back when I’m old and gray. I’ll be reminiscing about how I started my jumping spider ranch with just a couple head of rustled stock . I’ll sit back while sipping on my mint julep with several dancing girls waving palm fans at me and feeding me grapes. I’ll be telling the girls stories about how the ranch is grown to 50,000 head of spiders and life is good. People come to me from all over the world forthe quality of my spiders. Of course it is not all rose garden there’s a lot of work involved in having a spider ranch. You just try driving 50,000 head of jumping spiders to market and see how well you hold up
It’s better though to buy your spiders from a pet store. You want to pick “seed” spiders that match your personality. Maybe a jumping spider that’s not too jumpy. A nice calm relaxed jumping spider. You can’t exactly go out in public with your jumping spider on your shoulder. Somebody’s going to see it and snap it off your shoulder and stomp on it faster jackrabbit on a date.
