OH POOPIE (a bathroom read part 1)
Pardon me while I try to calm down. I openly admit that that is one excellent Maximus glutinous. I wonder why as human beings, we seem to be drawn to looking at that part of some one’s body. It’s just a muscle and it does a lot of work. But for some reason many people find that area absolutely gorgeous. I ,for one temporarily lose my mind and am often driven to tears just like Mick Jagger. After seeing this picture, my wife had to slap me to make me stop behaving like a complete idiot. Nature dishes out some heavy drugs. Now I’m going to admit that I tried to draw some of you in to reading this article by showing you a picture of a pretty butt. Now that I have you, you’re probably wondering what I’m going to do.
Does anybody find it interesting that we are so enamored with shoving wonderful food into our faces without much attention to the consequences. Now here is this beautiful girl that many would give a part of his anatomy to grovel in her shadow and we would happily take her out to dinner and enjoy an evening of dining and dancing. But if later when the dinner she was fed is on its way out, suddenly she becomes a horrid -she monster creating stink and subtle unmentionable noises. Some not-so-subtle noises also. With all the potty noises, you worry that this delightful creature that you now love more than life, is having a medical emergency . After falling in love with her you may burst into the bathroom when she’s in the middle of a poop and that would probably cause the honeymoon to be over immediately.
I’m pretty sure everybody poops but our primal instinct is to reject that and anything that has to do with that. Don’t smell it, don’t talk about it — and that’s final. If I see you pooping , you are dead to me. It’s disgusting, it’s messy so forget it. And yet, I suppose a beautiful body like that grew from a little baby to Holy Moly by magic. Face it, it happened by eating and pooping and eating and pooping and eating and pooping and absorbing all of the nutrients that goes with that process. We all love to talk about eating delicious foods but rarely are we brave enough to talk about pooping. It’s always a rejected topic fairly quickly. I have an advantage in this article because I already gotcha . You have already invested time so you may as well see where this goes.
One of the greatest modern day philosophers — Mike Tyson — said this : “everybody has a plan until they get hit hard in the face with a fist “ . I would love it if you could always keep your gorgeous butt healthy and never get hit in the face with a fist. The fist would be all that can happen to your beautiful colon. I’m gonna use straight talk, nothing fancy. I think there are going to be a very long series of articles on how to do things my way, or else.
I think this is going to be a lot of fun because I can already sense some people who are reading this are starting to cringe.
I’m going to talk about pooping. I mean- “jumpin’ gee willikers”, I have never seen a person yet that could prove that they were not a pooper. I will say this, some people, and you all know who you are, seem to walk around with a constant colon blockage and it seems to be affecting your attitude. I believe that the more constipated you are the stupider you become thus proving that the 70% of the population that has a low IQ are basically just full of crap. The country is never going to improve unless, by government mandate and enforced by martial law, authorities start holding stupid people down and give them forced enemas just to watch IQ’s suddenly rise. There will always be some haters and naysayers that are going to whine about human rights and that junk, but the hell with them. In high school debate class , I always won with-” Oh yah, well up yours.” That stops discussion cold.
I really do love to take sidetrips if they could bring a smile to your face.
Never ever allow yourself to be constipated. If you ever go to make, and you have to grunt, make that be the last time you ever grunt again. When a woman has a baby she is forced to bear down and quite often this causes the woman to have a stroke. One of the reasons why I admire the courage of women so much is that childbearing is very dangerous. I bet if men had the babies, population would plummet.
You don’t have to grunt just to take a poop. I feel compelled to tell you how you are going to have the healthiest mouth all the way through to your anus. You will have the most beautiful pink colon that your gastroenterologist has ever seen. He will most likely want your permission to use the image on next years calendar. He will be calling other doctors into the examination room where they will all be crying because it’s the most beautiful perfect colon of impeccable quality that they have ever seen.
I’m not going to tell you what you shouldn’t eat, which is pretty much all the crap you eat. I know what you eat — — I’ve seen it.
I’m only going to tell you what you should eat and I’m not going to tell you why. You can look it up yourself if you’re interested and you will find that you wasted your time and you should’ve just taken my word for it, okay?
Don’t eat foods with tannin because it’s very constipating. You’d be surprised how many fruits have tannin. Grapes, pears, lots of fruits have tannin. You can have this stuff later but not now while your constipated. If it’s summertime, eat cantaloupe often every day. Eat chia seeds. A little bit a Chia and a lot of water is really good for your innards. Flavor it if you like but let it sit in the fridge overnight to fully hydrate.
Eat trifala. Don’t argue just do it. I make my own trifala pills from powder. I make sure I’m getting organic and it’s tested for heavy metals . Stop eating oatmeal, and stop believing everything you hear. Example is them telling us coconut oil is good for us and now it’s a killer. All my life “they” have played ping pong with what’s good for you and what’s not. Case in point. Coconut oil- Now it’s a killer and I’m stuck with a quart and a half.
I was eating the best quality oatmeal I could find and for a long time because oatmeal is really good for you, right.? No that is not always right. I stopped eating oatmeal just to test my system and I found out that my problem of constipation was largely due to me eating oatmeal. Although I cooked it correctly, it still slowed down my system. The very next day after stopping oatmeal my system started behaving beautifully in the pooping department. Drink lots of water and make sure it’s purified water because tapwater has bleach. I don’t like the effect grains have on me. I don’t want you to eat grain because of it’s effect on me. Let me be sort of your guinea pig. Regardless of what they say, grains can hurt you. Just as a side note, read the relationship between ergot poisoning in oat crops and the Salem witchcraft trials. These things are not our fault, we just don’t always know.
I just read an article about oats and how eating oatmeal can cause microscopic tears in your colon that allow bacteria to seep into your body’s blood system and stress your bodies immune system continuously. I think people should always read cautions about everything. It’s just like driving a car, you never stop learning. If you feel like you have to have grain, I suppose you could have brown rice if you feel that you must. Always by brown rice in bulk from Lundberg. It’s never rancid and keep it in the freezer..See ya later , alligator.This was fun and I got more If you got the time, Honey…
