MY CAR IS JUST PLAIN BORING
I prefer poopy cars
Okay, here’s the deal, see.
My truly adorable wife said that she was sick and tired of driving cars that were nothing more than pieces of fecal matter. I thought that was kind of harsh.
In all fairness, I did have an old Volkswagen that seemed to have it in for her.
(Anyway, how was that for a very polite way of saying “shit”. I mean, don’t you think that I should be commended for controlling my language?
Well, if you’re not going to reward me with admiring words for not using salty language, then what’s the use? Everyone is a heathen and can’t appreciate anything good, like a guy trying not to use nasty language. From now on, all bets are off and if I feel like using despicable language, I am going to do so, so there! — — — — — ka ka pee pee poo poo……See, I warned you)
Okay, getting back to the cars that I’ve always driven. There was my 48 Chevy Pickup truck, that was such a basket case, but it had 9 windows.
I won’t even talk about the engine right now. A friend said he could rebuild it . A few months later I went over to his house to see how it was going and there was my engine in the backyard laying in the mud.
The rear end went out so the friend welded an old Dodge rear end onto my Chevy. It worked fine except the brakes need to be adjusted differently. You would be driving down the freeway and all of a sudden your rear brakes would get red hot and start seizing so you had to pull over and let them cool off.
See, when you drive your fancy city cars with that new car smell, you don’t get any of that kind of excitement. I like a car or truck that smells like oily horsehair. I know some you guys know exactly what I’m talking about. All old cars, prior to the sixties, have a certain smell and its intoxicating.
My old beat up 48 Chevy pickup, that’s the vehicle that Linda almost fell out of when I turned left because her door flew open every time. Linda was a friend that I gave rides to when we worked overtime for the government. You’d think she would learn to hold on. There were not even any seatbelts, and it probably wouldn’t be good for her to grab the steering wheel to keep from falling out of the truck.
I wouldn’t want to get into a wreck, ok ? I also don’t want to have to drive back and pick up Linda Murphy off the road. She would probably tell everybody at work.
I liked Linda, she was so funny. Her boyfriend was Willie and I liked Willie too. Willie was a gangster, and he had a string of prostitutes downtown and he was their pimp. One time I’m sitting in front of Linda’s house waiting for her to come out because we were going to work overtime. Willie didn’t understand, so he came up to me with his gun out and asked me what I was doing there. I explained and we had a good laugh, and we actually became friends. I wasn’t best man at his wedding to Linda, but I went to the wedding. Ahhhh, good times.
I traded up. I got rid of my 48' Chevy pickup. A waitress bought it from me and paid me $200 in quarters.
I bought a 55 Chevy sedan. Oh, let me tell you that car was such a piece of crap. It didn’t have a radio but who needs a radio when you got a hole in the muffler that big. Everywhere I drove, it sounded like the Indy 500. I’m surprised I didn’t get stopped by the cops for excessive noise. When I stepped on the gas, people knew I was coming, and they got out of my way. It had a unique feature. When you slipped the clutch and begin feeding gas, the whole engine would torque and it started feeding gas on its own. So that meant every stoplight, you are hauling ass to the next stoplight whether you wanted to are not. I sure loved that car, it was unique. I remember every drive I took in that car.
It was like the earliest version of those Teslas that drive themselves. I had a car that felt like it was a hot rod and fed its own gas to itself.
I like a car that gives you a challenge, a feeling of adventure when you go out on the road. A feeling of, I don’t know if I’m going to make it. I probably am going to be stranded in the middle of nowhere. Then, when I get home, you can go pheeew, we made it and we are still alive. You don’t get that joy in a new car. It’s so boring not to live on the edge.
When and if the car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, I might have to depend on the charity of strangers to get out of a mess. I could get kidnapped and held for ransom , or taken out into the desert for some fiendish Satanic ritual.
You know, possibly staked out on a fire ant hill, naked and then covered with honey.
I could even be kidnapped by a gang of roaming nymphomaniac’s that would have their way with me until I was dead. don’t laugh, it could happen.
As a matter of fact anything can happen when you cast your fate to the wind, hundreds of miles from home.
That’s the kind of excitement you don’t get when you buy a new car. How boring. yawn………….
You can just hop in your new stinking car that smells like plastic and drive to New York and back to California and never have a breakdown. Your car never overheats. It starts every time. Gets 50 miles to the gallon. It has a radio that plays your favorite tunes. yuch !
Not like that truck I had. I had a 65 Chevy pickup truck that I bought for $1000 and when the engine blew up, I put in a brand-new rebuilt engine and transmission as I previously mentioned. That new engine only failed 3 times and I had to threaten the rebuilder with a lawsuit. But the last time they rebuilt the rebuild engine it ran like a top, until the wiring caught on fire.
I put in a fabulous stereo system. I believe it was a Clarion and really nice boss speakers in the door. Of course there was no air conditioning in the truck, so you had to blast AC/DC really loud just to hear it properly. That’s because both windows, and side wings had to be open because it was so hot. When you are climbing a long hill, and your car is overheating because you’re working the engine too hard, you may have to pull out the heater knob.
I’ll never forget climbing endlessly to get to Yakima Washington and it was 110° and had to pull out the heater knob which gave the engine extra cooling power. There’s nothing like having the heater on when it’s 110°.
See, right there, that is a problem. You don’t have my perspective. If you’re driving a fancy new car, you don’t get any of this excitement whatsoever. It’s boring. It can be 120° outside, but you're riding around in your brand-new vehicle with the air conditioner on and it’s a pleasant 74° inside the car all day long. You’re missing out on what the world smells like, and not getting all the pollen and bugs in your teeth and losing hearing because your ears bombarded with the noise of the highway and the wind and the roaring engine noise and having to yell at each other just to be heard, and you’re listening to AC/DC at 130 dB which is equal to a jet taking off. You are losing hearing, but it’s okay because you feel so bloody alive.
Life should be lived on the edge, otherwise you’re not even going to remember it.
Since we’ve got a brand-new car that’s 14 years old, We don’t even want to go anywhere anymore. I know I can get in my brand-new stupid stinking car and I could go visit Sandy in Florida if I want to, but there’s no highway excitement. No longer worrying about whether or not I’m going to make it. No more sleeping in a truck stop right next to a cattle truck so you can hear thump thump thump mooooo, thump thump thump mooooo all night long. No more eating clam chowder from an all night truck stop restaurant and later barfing all over the side of the truck. No, none of that good stuff.
I just get in my stupid new car. You turn the key and it starts instantly and I don’t even hear a starter motor. The motor is just “ON” all of a sudden,when you turn the key…………………. That is unholy.
You pull up to a red light and the motor just turns off. What’s up with that?
I look under the hood and I don’t even recognize anything anymore. Where’s the carburetor. Does this thing even have spark plugs? Just close the hood and walk away and don’t ask too many questions.
The car is 14 years old and next March will be 15. It still smells new. We just got a smog check and the guy laughed because he said that we only drove 400 miles in the last 2 years. I think it’s hilarious to be eccentric. I love to watch other people’s eyebrows raise when I can see the wheels turning inside their noggins thinking what’s up with that? When the car loses its new car smell, I think I’ll rush right out and buy another new car and drive it home and immediately put it up on blocks and never move it again.
However, if I could find 53 Ford pickup with a sign on it that said,
“RUNSA NICE”, for 50 bucks, I am going to buy that vehicle or know the reason why. I have no choice, it’s in my blood.
WHAT ????? Marching to the beat of someone else’s drum isn’t you is it?
Well, just be yourself and do the following:
Just be who you is.
Don’t be who you isn’t.
When you is who you isn’t,
you isn’t who you is.
The Momma Dom ~ Playing With Myself And Loving It!, Kyle Wells, and Claire Franky
