MY CADILLAC WAS TOO COOL FOR ME
she was high maintenance
All my life I have driven despicable cars. Cars that you would laugh at, were my pride and joy.
I’ll never forget the day that I drove by a 1960 Cadillac for sale for $200.
It was cream-colored. It was a chance to redeem my reputation for driving miserable pieces of junk constantly. This was a very beautiful car. The price was right and I never thought about the cost of maintenance on this gorgeous beast.
Oh I had to have that car. I didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together but I had to have that Cadillac. I’ve never had a Cadillac before. I could ride around in my Cadillac and turn on the air conditioner when it was hot and the heater when it was cold. I know all cars do that, but all cars are not my “Cadillac”. You can do anything in a Cadillac. You can do anything except stop.
The Cadillac weighs 20 million tons of pure Detroit.
One day I was driving down Freeway Boulevard while it was raining and some idiot pulls out right in front of me from a side street. I had time enough to decide where I was going to plant my Cadillac. Part of me considered aiming for the drivers door, just to teach him a lesson for doing such a stupid thing, but I decided steering right to try to miss him was the better part of valor.
Remember the golden rule. Treat him the way you would like to be treated and all of that manure. I suppose I’d feel guilty if I clobbered him too hard. I mean, for Pete’s sake, I was sliding. I think that’s pretty good driving to be able to decide where I’m going to hit him while I’m sliding. It was a lot like steering a boat. No actually, it was exactly like steering a boat because it was a boat .
And then he had the nerve to argue. This idiot made me take him to Small Claims Court to get the money to fix my car. I won in Small Claims Court.
I always win in Small Claims Court.
Don’t ever mess with me. I am ferocious. I studied law under Judge Judy.
I think that guy messed up my fender when I careened off at the back of his car. I won in court because I was right, but I don’t think I used the money to fix the car. I probably bought beer and had a party instead. You have to have certain priorities in life, don’t you?
There was a certain sweet ambience when you climbed into my luxury automobile. If you went on a long drive you begin to notice that the carpet on the passenger side started smoking. Don’t worry about that, just roll down the windows. You see the muffler had a great big hole in a place where it heated up the floorboard on the passenger side enough so that it tried to ignite the carpet. My friend Linda, could never stop teasing me about trying to set her shoes on fire when they Melted to the floorboard and she had to pry them loose because they were stuck. We were working overtime and I was giving her a ride and she told everybody in the office about how I was trying to kill her by melting her feet. She actually walked a little bit lopsided that day because one shoe melted quite a bit more than the other shoe.
She was sure I was trying to kill her when I picked her up one day and my 48 Chevy pickup and every time I turned left the passenger door flew open.
Seatbelts, ha, don’t make me laugh. There were no stinking seatbelts in 1948. LOL………..
She would tell everybody at work and I would just laugh hysterically.
I probably should’ve bought her some new shoes but all I did was laugh. Hey, you take your chances when you ride with me. LOL
At least in my Caddy, the doors stayed shut when I went around turns. I was pretty sure I was going to need a muffler because you don’t want to have carbon monoxide coming into the cabin from a faulty muffler.
Have you ever priced getting new mufflers for a Cadillac. Here is a heartfelt LOL.
My set of keys had a emblem for one particular key, the one for my Cadillac. I wanted to make sure that when I whipped out my keys that everybody knew that I had a Cadillac. Never mind that it was an old Cadillac. When I tossed my keys down on the table I watched everybody’s eyes bug out of their head because I HAD A CADILLAC, and they didn’t so ha ha. I was Joe cool and I had made the big time.
It had a power trunk which was ridiculous. You would gently place the truck on a screw that would pull it down. If your box boy slammed your trunk, it broke that mechanism.
It actually got pretty good mileage for a dinosaur. I got 20 miles to the gallon. When you drove it at night and you had your high beams on, he had a device that automatically lowered your headlight beam. It had a 4 barrel carburetor and when you put your foot down that puppy would jump.
I couldn’t afford a car like that. The tires, I found out , were going to cost me $500.I could sell my body to make the money for new tires but nobody would want that. There was only one option left. I had to sell my Cadillac. It was the end of the dream.
But my broken heart was better when I found a Corvair that had only had an engine fire. I’m sure I can find good engine somewhere and put it in myself. I don’t know a thing about how to change an engine but not knowing how to do something, never stopped me from doing anything.
