MY MOTHER’S LAST KISS
(If you read this, I’m sorry. It might make you cry so if you’re already hurting today, maybe you might not want to not read admittedly maudlin writing.)
Funny how the kisses you remember, are often the last ones that you give and got .
Mom, I want to tell you something.
I didn’t get to tell you when I was young
I love you so and I remember your lovely face, as
as I squeeze my eyes and tears run down my cheeks.
I think of how much you loved me, especially when I was weak
and in the hospital. You made me strong in your own way, when others could not.
You gave me the ability to laugh at the tough things in life.
I remember you always had permanent teeth imprints on your lower lip.
Maybe they were teeth marks of angst because of me. I was not easy to raise, I see that now. I know that I was always a worry. I was a horrible little brat but , we loved each other very much always .
I wish I could’ve been a better friend to you, Mom, when Dad died.
I just didn’t know how to deal with it and neither did you. Our family just could not express emotion. When something like that happens, psychosis sets in . Everything is handled in a businesslike fashion. There is no hugging, or kissing to show of emotional support. I must be the black sheep of the family because I got enough emotion for 10 people.
I wish we could have had then , the close communication that I’m capable of now. However, you totally would not understand me now, I’m a poet.
I didn’t know what to do when Dad died, I know I must’ve done all the wrong things.
Much later, when you’re in the hospital dying of kidney failure,, I thought of coming to you with my final kiss.
It kills me that I could ever think like this but you were in such misery and suffering so badly.
I had a cold and I thought that I should give you my cold, as it would most likely turn into pneumonia………..and would have ended your life.
It made me insane to think like this, but you are suffering so much.
All I could think of was, this is the end of your life . All of this agony is an
unacceptable last memory of life. This is not what I would want for myself.
Why are as humans so reluctant to want to end the suffering. Of course these are grisly decisions in life. I am just remembering right now, just exactly how it was.
I keep telling myself I had to do this. This wonderful woman that I’ve loved past forever and gave me life and now, these unbearable circumstances seem to be telling, that my kiss of death, may put a stop to her useless suffering.
Your doctor told me that Pneumonia is a gentle way to die. I think I’m losing my mind just reliving this story by writing about this . I am still trying to come to terms with the horrible thing that I felt that I must do in the name of mercy. I thought if anybody knew that I did this, I would be a bad person. Maybe even be looked upon as a sort of murderer. Would I ever be able to forgive myself, if I made you get pneumonia and die.
Nevermind, I never did give you that final kiss laced with infection. You squeezed my hand harder than you ever had in my life.I thought my fingers would break. I think you were giving me one last remembrance of you.
The last thing I said to you was, “I know Mom, I know .
I don’t know if God can forgive me for what I only thought about doing, but could not do. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for even think about that.
I suppose I have nothing to feel guilty for but I just can’t lose the guilt.
I’m sorry mom, you have to know that I thought about doing it out of my love for you it was the hardest thing I ever only thought about doing it my life.
Well I couldn’t do it and as it turned out you died shortly thereafter. So I made myself crazy for nothing. (As I usually do.)
Now that you’re on the other side of the fence, you probably don’t get to hear your favorite songs anymore. Maybe I’ll just play for you, one of your favorite song that I remember. I know Dolly Parton and this song held a special significance for you.
If you could hear me, I love you so much Mom. Rest in peace. I still have a lock of your hair.
