I TALKED WITH A GHOST

(that I love)

I TALKED WITH A GHOST
(that I love)

As I was going to sleep last night I asked something of myself. I asked myself to revisit the memory of my ex-wife. There’s a very specific reason why I wanted to do that. Even though that failed marriage was long ago, I suffer from the aftermath almost every day. I’m going to change gears now.
I will need to speak to my ex-wife in the first person.
I decided I needed to gather up my courage and address you as though you were still here, Chris. It’s hard to think of you as my ex-wife and it’s hard to think of you as being no longer alive. Since you have passed away, there is no possible way to have a feeling of closure from you or that part of my life through normal means . The last time I saw you, you still wanted me back even though things had eroded between us pitifully. So now my final image of you is you wanting me back again. That plays hell in my mind because strangely, I want that too.
I now see a sitting close to each other and we are alone. We are sitting at the pretty little pedestal table that we bought at an antique shop when we were first married. I visualize what I might say as to the reason why I disturbed your peaceful sleep. Without assigning any blame whatsoever, could we discuss what really went wrong. It wasn’t the lack of love on my part because I still have too much of that for you to this day.
But Jim, do you remember? There was so much anger and screaming and nobody was listening to the other person. How can you possibly solve our problems like that? And I don’t want to mention anything to ruin this conversation, but Jim — you were drunk an awful lot. I know it was because you were suffering but it didn’t help us solve our problems. Sometimes it seems like the only thing that we were not too young for was incredibly intense feelings. Everything else just got to be a mess.
Chris, who’s to say how long feelings last. Some people can’t get over a relationship as easily as tossing away an old hamburger wrapper. I don’t know if It’s a blessing or a curse, but I fall hard, real hard.I have a problem right now Chris. I seem to be frozen in time and I can’t stop asking myself WHY.
As you can plainly see, I can’t hold back my tears. I keep playing our relationship over and over again in my mind as though I were still trying to find some sort of solution to what went wrong. Of course, there never is an answer. I’m happily remarried and all of the trouble between you and I was so long ago, that none of this should matter anymore. It shouldn’t matter but it does. It so incredably does .
A very dear friend helped me to decide that I should write to you and ask you for closure. I knew this was going to be so difficult but anything worthwhile takes some degree of courage.
I need you one more time, Chris. I need you to give me a feeling of closure. I don’t know what it’s like on the other side of the veil, but I believe that you would like to have that as well.
I have to stop this feeling that we are continually trying to get back together because that’s impossible.
It’s not fair what I’m doing to myself over you. It’s affecting my everyday life right here and now. That’s not fair to me or anybody around me. I’m not exaggerating in the least when I say that after all this time, it hurts as much now as it did back in the day. I don’t know if it hurts more but it’s right up there. I left you so many times and each time it hurt worse because I knew we could not keep doing this for ever.
Jim — when you left me, how could we try to work things out? Especially when you’re drinking so much. You were so outrageously angry all the time. You did things and said things and I reacted poorly just like you did.
Chris, do you remember our first anniversary. We were so poor that we made a beautiful candlelight dinner at home. Something happened that was bad that night, do you remember what it was because I don’t.
Jim — from the time that we met, I had love for you. It was not the usual kind of love that other people have but it was love nonetheless. It couldn’t have been all bad. There must’ve been some good coming from us being together as a loving couple newly married.
Oh Chris, I remember when we used to look at ourselves in the bathroom mirror. We often said what a good-looking couple we were. It’s a delightful memory but I guess the smoke and mirrors are just sad remains of the day.
Crazy as it seems, I need to hold you close one more time and maybe we could share another kiss just for old times sake. I remember you had the most kissable lips.So much water has gone under the bridge. I don’t think we should try to overthink this right now.
After all, regardless of what happened between you and me, I feel that no two people could’ve ever loved each other more than you and I did. I guess our stars were crossed because no matter how hard we tried, it never worked out for us.