I AM TRULY FALLING FOR YOU
There I was, looking up with bedroom eyes and pouty lips and moaning sort of like this — — OOOOOOOOO, like the “O” sound in “I LOVE YUOOOOO”. I was moaning for my woman to please come here. She always knows what I need each time I am like this. Honey, Ohhhhhhhhh !! Oooooooo….
When she came into the bathroom this is not exactly the picture that she saw. I am freaking gorgeous (in my mind)but not like this. I clean up fairly well, but I am a man. If I showed you my picture, you would say — — — “ Hey, you are not all that and a bag of chips.” I would say, “You’re reading this article are you not?” You would say, “ yes.”
And then I would say, If I’d put a picture of my ugliness up there in the same position as her you would not be reading this article, would you ? ? No, you would not. Not only that, but you probably have to have counceling just to get that image of me naked in the bathtub , out of your mind.
Imagine the horror of the lady first responder that came into the bathroom. There he was on my back naked as a jaybird and like a turtle. Maybe I shouldn’t sugarcoat and I should say I was just like life but twice as ugly. I was nothing like the girl in the picture above. LOL. I’m sorry, I jumped ahead a little bit. Let me take you back to earlier in the day before this started .
I have heard that in the time of the gladiators the ladies of the day would scrape the warriors sweat from their bodies because of its value as a pheromone. The modern woman simply does not appreciate some of the finer things that our ancestors appreciated. You might even say that they’re being very fussy when they demand you take a shower and even point the way while tapping their foot. So I head down the hall to take a shower and waste my precious pheromones. I listen to the voice of the woman I worship while I’m basking hour after hour and warm soapy water, lollygagging my way to stardom to the smooth gorgeous voice of the beautiful Anne Murray .
At the time, I was listening to her sing “Elijah”.
I’m enjoying Elijah and I’m dancing in the shower and the heel of my foot hits a place on the floor of the tub that was not covered with nonskid tape. As you can well imagine, it does not take very long to get to horizontal.
I saw stars and the world started spinning out of control. Right away I started to visualize how lucky I was going to be . I might get a free helicopter ride and drugs, beautiful naughty nurses were going to come running out and get me high on morphine. Some of the nurses would feed me grapes. Some of the nurses would run their fingers through my beautiful locks of long Fabio type golden hair, of course there would be dancing nurses and a DJ playing Led Zeppelin’s stairway. It was going to be great……. ……except it wasn’t.
I thought it was going to be just like that old TV show called Emergency with Randolph Mantooth. Randolph would come running in to the bathroom with Patty McCormick and get me standing up just to check my vitals. ( No, not those vitals, although Patty McCormack is so cute.)
I couldn’t get up myself because the pain was too great. Stop it, I mean standing vertically. Oh my gosh. Patty McCormack would see my wedding vegetables, how embarassing. It was the fault of Anne Murray and her beautiful voice. There were actually no movie stars in my bathroom.
When I came out of my confused state, the fire department woman asked if there was anything else they could do for me, other than stand me up. I said no, I’m good. Thank you more than anything for what you did for me and for your service. Soon as they left I knew I was going go to the ER. When they looked at my left elbow they made that sucking sound with their teeth like when something is bad. You don’t want to have people looking at you when they make that sound.
Inside I’m thinking, I’m congratulating these two people for the fine job they did while sporting my birthday suit. Normally I would be arrested for this, however it seemed as though they understood. It was as though this was a common occurrence for people to fall in the bathtub and make asses of themselves, literally.
I put on my red white and blue pajama pants and a pink coat and headed over to the local ER. Hey, don’t knock it. Anytime anybody wants to find you, they just say to look for the guy with the red white and blue pajama pants and the pink jacket. Oh yeah, I know right where he is.
It’s all Anne Murrays fault. I listen to music constantly. I don’t just listen to new stuff, I listen to old stuff and everything. I am a serious Swifty but, I love Gretchen Wilson, I love Bebe, Halsey, Miley, Lady A….you get it-eclectic . Lately I came across Anne Murray and the way her voice sounds is so gorgeous, it makes me want to cry. I am swooning over the fact that Anne’s voice was so clean and pure, that it almost sounded as though she was right there in the bathroom with me and serenading me, blindfolded of course . But, now I am heading for the ER, and the honeymoon is over .
Long story short, it took them nine hours to repair me because they were so swamped with other folks. Sure enough, my arm looked funny for a reason and the fire personnel were correct to make their air come through their rear teeth like, ssssssssss. I also broke two fingers and a few ribs. This is a win-win as an attention getting device. All my friends like Claire Franky are going to say how the hell did you do that ? To that, I will reply with — --
It’s easy, first you get some kick ass Rock and a ton of soap and go from there.
