FRIENDS AT LAST
They don’t tell you and you never know at first, that when things happen to you, you never forget it. It’s with you for life, branded into your brain. I wish I was one of those kind of people that can toss people aside without a care. I never could never do that.I just can’t let go.
We were such immature little children when we met. Nothing but nothing envelops a person’s brain like first love. It is such a beautiful thing because it is so powerful. I felt like I was one with the universe and the world was my oyster. I thought, what a wonderful world, that I could achieve paradise so easily when I found you. And then we made love and it completely sealed the deal in my heart. I was so in love with you that I felt like an octopus and I wanted to wrap myself around you and never ever let you go. I felt one with you. I felt that way through our entire relationship, even when I hated you. I’ve written about you on Medium and told everybody in the world how rotten you were to me in spite of how much I loved you.
It’s not working.
Well, I decided to Make a U-turn in my emotions where you are concerned. By continuously despising you, I think I’m hurting myself. There were many good things about our relationship. I think my talking with you about it, I might be able to let my memory of you relax just a little bit inside of my head. It’s been so long since I’ve even seen you, you shouldn’t be consuming my thoughts as much is you are right now. The last time I saw you, the last time we were together and talked, you asked if we could at least get back together and try to be friends. I was so passionate over you that I just couldn’t see how that would ever be possible. I would just break down and cry having a cup of coffee with you remembering how we used to be. I think I’m beginning to see that now, maybe we can be friends at last. I have to keep repeating this to myself because this is a big change for me.
You must know by now Chris, (God, it is so hard to even say your name), you must know by now that I’m bringing you back from beyond the veil because I need peace and closure. Demonizing you is clearly not working because no matter what you did, you are such a major love in my life. Clearly not the only love, because I love Joan truly and honestly and she feels like a real wife to me. I never really felt that with you, I was always just afraid. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and couldn’t rely on you for anything. Whoops, I’m not supposed to go over the line into being angry. I’m supposed to stay on the positive side of things .
Crystal, please don’t even say the name Joan. It sends chills through me because somehow I’m scared you are somehow going to mess things up for us. Do you remember Mary Lynn. She was my friend and you made me give her up. She was just a friend, but you wouldn’t believe me. I’m trying to visualize what you might say to that but I don’t think you would see anything wrong with your undeserved jealousy. (Do not be angry Jim -remember …no anger, remember.)
Do you remember our first real date? I was just a dumb 17-year-old kid with stars in his eyes and a song in his heart for you.
I didn’t have any money because I was just out of high school with no job.
I wish I had a time machine and could go back and take a look at me when I was so full of love, I thought I was going to explode. I was determined to have a memorable first date with you so I told you to reserve Saturday for me. I don’t think we were even going steady yet. (I planned on doing something about that real soon.) I was living at home and Dad had a tool room where we had a shop Smith and a jigsaw and a vice and all kinds of other tools. I made a great big box out of plywood with a door on the top.
I think Mom knew I was crazy in love with somebody. She helped me make all the food . I filled it with ice and chicken and potato salad and we headed for Silver country. We drove up there in Dad’s white 58' Fiat 1100. The car was so gutless, it could barely make it up the hill, so it made the day an adventure also. Silver city Nevada was pretty cheesy but with you it was wonderful. We had a picnic with chicken and potato salad. After our picnic we went into the casinos and played the penny slots. The whole day was magic. I was so much in love with you that day. I never felt anything like that feeling in my entire life and I never wanted it to stop. But I was 17 and you were 16 and we were way too young for what we were doing. Mom and dad didn’t even know how serious we were.
Somehow I can see you saying that you remember that day just as clearly as I do and it was wonderful for you too. I think clearly I could assume that.
I know the word bittersweet is so cliché, but what we had was so beautiful.
I still don’t understand why it had to go away and why it still hurts so much. My last memory of you is you asking me to come back at least as friends. I loved you so much, I just couldn’t do that.My heart was bleeding and I just couldn’t take what we were going through anymore. Being with you, I was on such a downward spiral. I’m sure I would be right there with you right now Crystal had I stayed with you. I was so miserable and my drinking got way out of hand, and it never helped of course.
Did you send me this message from beyond the veil ? Quite frankly, I am thoroughly enjoying remembering the good times that we had in the 13 years that we were together. It was a part of my life as it was yours. By looking at the beautiful parts of us being together, it’s quite tearful, but I feel that it’s beginning to help me to let go of you. I still love you Chris.
I’ve hated you all I can. Maybe by recognizing that I still love you I will heal.
