Eastertime This or That
I would hope sweet wishes and soft breezes could fall on my friend’s wonderful heart and she might know that I’m holding her hand on this difficult Easter day.. I’m writing this in response to B. J. Tomlin’s latest “This or That “ challenge.
Breakfast or Brunch — Both…. I have breakfast at 3 AM which is mostly fruit. At 10 I have brunch and at two I have lunch. I get no meals after that so obviously my wife is trying to starve me because I never have dinner. What did I do to deserve that. If I had to choose, breakfast is the most important. Try to start your car in the morning with no gas and see what happens. Nothing. And don’t eat greasy starch for breakfast. Eat nuts and dried fruit and yogurt and be nice to your body for a change why don’t you.?
Bunnies or Chicks — if I was Ozzy Osbourne, I would definitely go with chicks. I think he used bats and chicks in his musical presentations in some way. Maybe he taught the little fellas to sing backup somehow. Okay if I was forced to decide — I want bunnies and they must be made of dark chocolate so turn over the bunnies now and nobody gets hurt.
Chocolate or Jellybeans — absolutely chocolate in every form except milk chocolate. I would get into a bathtub filled with warm dark chocolate and just submerge myself and drink until I was sick. Matter of fact, I visualized a that so well that I feel a little sick right now. However, enough of that. I don’t even want to know anybody that would pick jellybeans. All it is a sugar and food coloring and tapioca starch and maybe if you’re lucky a little bit of flavoring. If you like jellybeans so much I’d like to lock you in a room with nothing to eat but jelly belly jellybeans offering gross flavors such as earwax, boogers and a few other bodily excretion flavors. The only one they didn’t make was one called ………..Never mind, that’s too rude.
Bacon or Sausage — just crack a few eggs in a half-inch of bacon fat and take a spoon and throw the bacon fat over the top of the eggs and then when you think they are done, take the eggs out and sprinkle bacon bits across the top. Then shove the bacon bits into the still liquidy yolk and try to scoop up the bacon and egg yolk with a piece of freshly toasted sourdough bread with butter on it and shove that your mouth. Once you do that you will never look a greasy sausage in the eye ever again. AMEN !
Real or Candy filled — — — — -what ? I love a real woman but I don’t believe in filling her up with candy. Oh, maybe you’re talking about Easter eggs. Real Easter eggs are loaded with cholesterol and they’re not so good after you eat the first dozen. Candy filled Easter eggs aren’t much better because eating that causes you go into a sugar coma. I think I prefer a real woman and no candy.
Hard Boiled or Soft Boiled — I really admire hard-boiled women. A woman that has seen a lot of life, both the good and the bad and the ugly and is still a fighter. On the flipside there’s the soft boiled woman that hasn’t been exposed to most of the bovine scat that other primates fling. It’s not her fault if she was raised among peaches and clover and no one should try to harden her. Either way a woman should be put on a pedestal and admired because without her there would be no Easter. God Bless you.
Natural or Dyed — If you are speaking of my hair, I think I would rub Jell-O into my hair and make it red, yes flaming red ….. This is probably about Easter eggs though and that reminds me of a joke my Dad used to tell. This guy goes in to a diner and asks what’s on the menu and the waitress says we have tongue sandwiches. He says no, I can’t eat anything that came out of the mouth of an animal, so I’ll just have some eggs. Most food coloring is a tad toxic but you could use natural food coloring and I won’t hurt anybody. I’ll go with dyed cause they are purdy .
Pancakes or Waffles — both of these are scrumptious but each in their own way. With pancakes I get a big spoonful of butter and then a bite of pancake and I wash it down with syrup. However for some reason that makes everybody at the table sick to their stomach when I do that. I really think waffles are a better option because they crunch and you have all those little holes that can absorb tons of butter and syrup. I want to eat that until they have to remove the side of my house with a chainsaw so that they can take me to the hospital with a forklift.
Syrup or Berries and Cream — What kind of syrup? If it was fish syrup I would have to go with berries and cream. But then if it was blueberry syrup as opposed to gooseberries and cream that’s a different story altogether. Gooseberries are so sour your face will never return to normal and cream won’t help either, it’ll just curdle. I think I’ll go with syrup because cream will plug up my heart and I’ll have to get a bypass. I hate it when that always happens.
Day Drinking or No Drinking — intervention calling — quit being an alcoholic. Nobody likes you when you are drunk and you just make a complete ass of yourself. What next, homelessness and laying in the gutter all filthy and disgusting and nobody even wants you at all ever ?
Getting drunk all day long is very tempting but I think I’ll go with no drinking.
Carrots or Carrot Cake — carrots are great because they can be eaten raw but they are hard to digest. I tasted a drink made of carrot juice and walnuts that was run through a juicer and it was really delicious. If you cook the carrots their vitamins become more bioavailable than when raw. The only problem is I hate cooked carrots. I eat them but I don’t like them. Carrot cake is ridiculous because you have taken a perfectly healthy thing and turned it into junk food. If I had just one bite, would definitely go for the carrot cake.
Cinnamon Rolls or Hot Cross Buns — are the cinnamon rolls that junk from the grocery store or are they homemade from scratch with real yeast. I will gag down your store-bought cinnamon rolls and I won’t complain but inside I’ll be feeling like I got ripped off. I will feel that you don’t even love me enough to make cinnamon rolls from scratch so get out of my life, you are dead to me. But then on the other hand hot cross buns might be worth trying. I don’t know if I’ve ever had one of these but I think I could rip it open and put a big spoonful of butter on one side and some raspberry jam on the other side and slam it together and shove the whole thing in my mouth all once. yup, that’s what I want, hot cross buns.
Beans or No Beans — Okay I saw the movie “ Blazing Saddles “ and I watched all of those cowboys sitting around the campfire eating beans and I know what happens. Whether or not to eat beans might depend on what you’re going to do later. If you have an very important date with the lady of your dreams and you’re just getting to know each other, you don’t want to get to know each other quite that well in the beginning or ever. I personally am a rebel and I love beans so I’m going with beans.
Steak or Salad — Yes, that’s steak looks delicious and it’s cooked just the way you like it. But maybe you should think about pudding. The pudding you will be eating in the hospital after your coronary bypass operation that was caused from eating beef. Was it really worth it? You’re not going to die if you eat a salad so just have a salad okay?
Cream or Sugar — cream plugs up your heart and make you fat and screws up your brain and sugar sets off and formation and creates Alzheimer’s. Why don’t you just get a gun.? It’s much quicker. Life is not at Disneyland for your taste buds.
Rain or Shine — I love the rain. As far as I’m concerned it could rain every single day. I love the diminished light and I love the mood that it sets. Rain purifies the world and washes away all of the bum logies. When the sun comes out it’s too bright on your eyes and the sun’s rays burn your skin and it’s hot and mold and pollen comes from everywhere and your allergies go crazy. The sun is no good.
Business or Treasure — with business you might make a nice little profit for the rest of your life with the business that you started. On the other hand you could go deep-sea exploring for sunken treasure chest and the odds are that you are not going to find treasure. Why not go for the sure thing and decide on business because you have control over that.
Bags or Baskets — bags can be folded up and reused next year. Baskets can also be saved to but they take up a lot more storage space so I’m going to go with bags.
Siesta or Play All Day — what is this word “OR “ that you use Kimosabe. Surely if I play from morning until evening and only take out one hour for a nap that should still be considered playing all day.
