DO I LOOK LIKE ELVIS ?
# 23………..Another fun penpal letter from James to Love
Good morning love, oh I didn’t expect to see you up so early. I am in such a wonderful mood on this Christmas Eve day…….I hope it would be okay if I give you a hug. I don’t think our significant others would mind. (Now the question is, how long of a hug.) I don’t want anybody to be jealous but I sure like you Love and I want everybody to know it. I see nothing wrong with liking someone and saying so. But I don’t ever want to be seen as a threat to anybody or anything.
I just want to be your Teddy Bear. Whenever people see how much I look like Elvis, they just automatically start making assumptions. Being a “stone fox” is not without problems. Oh, the humanity………………………..
Let me confess something you.. I’d just got through trying to do number 23 in another place . I let my brain tell me what I’m going to write about today. Now, I know it’s Christmas and people are trying to be happy and laugh and shove cannolis in their lovely face……(GEN))……………………….lol lol lol lol………..
My heart told me to write about something that I never touched on before. It’s a girl named Pauline who I went steady with right after I broke up with my ex-wife. You gave me permission to talk about love in my life. I wrote it all out about Pauline and I was crying so much that I decided that maybe it wasn’t quite the right thing to post on Christmas Eve. Everybody is supposed to be drunk and happy and here I am dragging folks down talking about lost love. Way to be a negative Nelly. I will tell you all about it, the day after Christmas, when I have carte blanche to make you cry your ass off. Nobody cares if you screw up New Year’s. You’re going to be drunk out of your gourd anyway and you will not remember a thing. Here’s a little poem I learned in college. It applies to New Years parties .
He is not drunk
who from the floor
can rise again
to drink once more
but he is drunk
who prostrate lies
and cannot drink
and cannot rise
I wrote about Pauline from my heart and this is the first time I have ever talked about her . Than, I remembered what you and I talked about. We decided , let’s not talk about things that might tend to make people feel sad this time of the year.
It’s Christmas time and it’s such a wonderful reason to do things that you haven’t done all year long. Fun things all centered around celebration. It just feels good inside of you. I’m looking forward to making baked beans today to eat on Christmas day. It’s going to have ham in it and brown sugar and kidney beans and then on top will be sprinkled some bacon to make it even more ludicrous. I don’t believe in eating unhealthy foods , but it’s Christmas and I have just as much right to go to the ER as the next guy. — — Cinnamon rolls, marzipan, limburger cheese with stinky tofu, oh my .
Now I’m thinking that this doesn’t sound appetizing at all. I seriously think I’ll just take a little taste of these things to be polite, but I’m not going to eat like this and next thing I try to take off 20 pounds in January. And all the saturated fat I’m eating, I’m sure is doing my heart a world of good — NOT………..
I know what I’m getting for Christmas love, because Santa told me. I’m getting a grill. I don’t care what anybody says if they are going to be negative. I will only listen to positive things being said about my grill. It’s an upper and a lower and it has diamonds. That’s right — I am bad ass. I will send you a picture of me with my new grill. You will see me as I am today.
Big as life and twice as ugly and proud of it with my new grill……
Please send me your photograph love. I know you won’t, and I know you think your reason is good. But, just relax Love, I just want see what my dear sweet friend looks like.
It’s okay if you want to tease me and torment me for a long time over your pic , because I enjoy that too. I’ve seen you as a little girl and I’ve seen your artistic rendition of yourself. But now you are being, I hate to say it, a woman, oh no. Every woman says, you can never ever look at my face.
You don’t know what I have to go through to take a picture of Joan. Her friend Gabriel would never ever allow her photograph to be taken. We both love Gabriel and not one photo of her survives . I think that is so shitty and it makes me mad. I think Western culture is so weird. It’s like there’s an unwritten law that photographs need to be as a lie. You must dress up and put on makeup and false eyelashes and smear lipstick all over your face and for sure you must look like Marilyn Monroe. People that don’t look like Marilyn Monroe or Elvis Presley should never allow their photographs to be taken. Life is a beauty contest and if you don’t have what it takes, then get out of town . Forget the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Forget that whoever views this photograph is seeing something that means a lot to them and it’s anything but some kind of weird beauty contest. I take pictures love. I’ve taken photographs all my life and I really enjoy taking portrait photographs. I love honesty in photographs. I like a photograph that says who you are. The big fake smile thing is a turnoff for me. Not that people can’t smile in a photograph, but it isn’t really necessary. I am totally in love with Marilyn Monroe and I have been since I was a little kid and saw her in the movie Niagara. I like every picture of her but I especially like the ones where she’s just Marilyn with no makeup and no fancy clothes, just her., with wrinkles and all . I love photographs of people just being natural just like in poetry, I look for honesty in photographs and in people’s expressions. When a person tells everything they can about themselves and is topped off with a photograph of them just honestly being themselves, that is so beautiful to me.
Let me tell you what other Christmas junk I shove in my face. We bought a great big high quality cheesecake.. We take the whole thing apart with a spoon, we make frozen blobs of cheesecake that you could just take out of the freezer pop in your mouth. As long as I do cheesecake this way, it lasts a full year of cheese cake bliss . I can pull a fast one on my body and it won’t know that this is a fattening thing to do. Cheese log — that’s ludicrous — with paprika and garlic and pecans and cheddar.
Oh crap love — I’m a bit of a foodie. I got a hold of something called black pepper pate. I love weird food and this was liverwurst with lots of black pepper and it was really good. I’m such a goof, I would try that with anything, even chocolate with sardines. People think too much before they put things in their mouth. Most of the time, they get pleasantly surprised. That reminds me of an Elvis story of what he wouldn’t put in his mouth, never mind, you are too young .
I’m going to suggest a different kind of Christmas. Instead of shoving unhealthy foods in our pus’ , I recommend stinky tofu over rice with steamed kale . . See, here’s the thing love . You live in the cold country. I know what it’s like to live in the cold country. I came from the Midwest where we sometimes experienced six or 7 inches of snow. Not only that but you could see your breath. If you got up in the morning and you had bad breath you could just go outside and exhale and your bad breath would fall on the sidewalk and break into a million little stinky pieces.
But………. you are hard-core and Christmas dinner for you is a little different. I can see you now with your long hair and your spear out on the tundra . . Nobody knows what this 5 foot 2 , 125 lb. girl is capable of.
Oh, a few do, but they are not talking. They are pushing up daisys... You are wearing a polar bear skin and you are so tough that the polar bear is still in it. You wander the desolate outback looking for prey. Finally you see one. Oh and he’s a beauty. He stands 15 feet tall at the shoulders. You look at your pitiful spear and you think, could I really take down a woolly mammoth with this twig.
Dude, of course I’m playing here with you. I was about to say that you have a strong heart. And then I thought to myself, that’s not make-believe. You really do have a strong heart and I’m so proud of you. Back to business.
He turns and sees you and his eyes are red. You both know that this is going to be a fight to the death . He comes charging at you. This 20 ton woolly beast is thundering your way at eleventy miles an hour. You take your spear made of the strongest hickory. You know the log that I just sent you. It’s more than a twig. This is a small tree that you are barely able to carry but you knew you would need it. You brace the bottom of your spear against a boulder as the beast thunders toward you. Just as he was in exactly the right position you raise your pointed spear up so that his forward momentum plunges the spear deep into his heart. So deep, the spear comes out the other end, sort of like a poopy shishkabob . . Even though his heart has been destroyed it takes 30 seconds of the beast thrashing around before he finally succumbs to your power. You want to put 1 foot on the animal that you just killed as if to defiantly say, I won . The only thing is you’re going to need a ladder to climb up on top of the beast to do that. Now, you break up your spear and make a fire and began roast and eat his heart and his backstrap. You’re getting kind of tired, so with your razor-sharp K bar military knife, , you remove all of the guts of the mastodon woolly mother of a beast, so you can crawl inside the animal’s hollowed out carcass and get a great night sleep inside of a nice warm bed of woolly mammoth. He so huge he could probably keep you warm for a week
I wrote the whole thing out from my heart and then I remembered what you and I talked about. Let’s not talk about things that might tend to make people feel sad this time of the year. Murdering this creature might make people sad . …………Let’s just go to McDonald’s or something .
I know what I’m getting for Christmas love, because Santa told me. I’m getting a grill. I don’t care what anybody says if they are going to be negative. I will only listen to positive things being said about my grill. It’s an upper and a lower and it has diamonds. That’s right — I am bad ass. I will send you a picture of me
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