Dear Reader,

I hope you never get in trouble with your mouth the way I did. I accidentally did a bad thing. I have driven somebody away from me that I was using as my muse. It was purely unintentional of course. Somebody that was so important to me that all I could do is cry as I write this.
I thought we had an understanding that as my muse, I would be talking very romantically to her. She would be the spokesperson my for lost loves.
I’m not trying to brag or anything, but I have loved several people in my life, and I am older than dirt, so I’m entitled. I wouldn’t want anybody to think that I’m a playboy. Anybody that knows who I truly am, knows that I am not like that. It was me maybe long ago but that totally is not who I am today. I have much higher ideals than to cheapen myself with tawdry acts that would ruin my marriage. I love my wife with all my heart, and I would never do anything to destroy that. She understands me and we openly discuss everything I say and do. She is not threatened or offended by my unusualness.
An amateur Don Juan is not who I am at all, but I think maybe I appeared that way in my writing. All I am really trying to do is resolve unresolved trauma from my first marriage, and a few subsequent relationships and attempt to write powerful poetry. I do not feel like I’m doing anything here but explaining myself, but please don’t call it mansplaining.
I find that word offensive as though everything we men do is wrong. Can a man have reasons why he acts out. If he just apologizes and says he is not going to do it anymore isn’t that good enough. We are all human. Men and women are from different planets you know. Sometimes the problem is as simply as, where are you coming from and what are your intentions. Things could be cleared up with a simple conversation, but not if misunderstanding enters the picture without discussion.
I was using someone as my muse, but it’s not working out. She said my words are making her confused or uncomfortable or something like that.
But I thought we had an agreement.
My love talk was going to sound real but it’s not exactly real, and it’s not exactly unreal.
The relationship between me and my muse is a bit like mercury. It moves on its own. I feel the love and the passion in my heart that I’m trying to express to my muse but it’s my heart that’s doing the speaking. My heart that has felt the pain of so many broken relationships. If my muse begins to think that Jim Young is about sexual conquest, then we totally are not communicating. There is no understanding of each other, and I would like to politely break away from you. The idea that I am unhappy in my life or that I would like a new life partner, that is simply not the case. My muse is valuable to me, but not to ever take things farther than was ever intended. My muse would have been the focal point of past lost relationships that I’m trying to speak to. It’s a rather heroic effort to have closure that I needed so badly. Oh well, I think she forgot that we had a deal. I didn’t think it was going to be an issue, but I think she’s too fragile to be my muse. I think she actually thought that with my romantic writings, that I was making a play for her love and to cheat on my wife. Imagine my shock to have her say a thing like that which felt like it came out of nowhere. We’ve openly discussed these things and I can’t have her thinking that I want to throw away my life and go chase somebody else. I never said that I never implied that — but I write some extremely poignant things sometimes and if she took my poetry literally, she would definitely think that I was actually coming on to her. I’m 82 and she’s 40. Even if I were to ever to have ideas like that, the age difference alone is ridiculous.
Besides I love my wife more that I do myself. We’ve been together for 45 years. We are way above normal in happiness and I would be an idiot to ruin all that, especially in our sacred golden years. All I wanted was a muse and it turned out to be very heartbreaking. I don’t know exactly what it is to be a muse. I’ve heard the term and normally it applies to painters, but it could apply to poets just as easily. As a matter of fact, I think it is most fitting that a poet have a muse in his life. I like to point out something — the last sentence. I used the words “in HIS life”. But it doesn’t have to be a male artist that has a muse. There’s no reason in the world why a man could not be a muse for a woman poet.
A muse is just a personal preference and a focal point for your writing. It may depend on the sort of things you write. Obviously, if you’re writer of business articles for instance, you don’t need a muse.
However, if you write romantic poetry or stories, it is my personal opinion that a muse is vital to making a deep connection to your inner self .

I love my wife very much, and she is the most unromantic person on the face of the earth. So, if I want to talk about love and romance, I need to have a muse. I can’t talk romantically to my wife because she simply doesn’t get it. I realize that she loves me so much that she has a hard time saying it. Instead of us saying it, we feel it.
If I want to speak romantically, I need to say it to a willing participant. Her personality has to be just right. I really prefer that my muse be married or have a boyfriend. Then of course, the boyfriend must be understanding and not a jealous sort of person. The reason I say this is because I am going to say the most romantic things I can think of, and jealousy has no place in poetry. That only ties my hands. I’m going to try to say things and use words in a way that will move you emotionally and may even make you cry. You may wish you were hearing these words from the person that you really love, rather than me, a strange person.
There’s nothing to be jealous of because this is not a real romance. Truthfully, I am such a romantic and I will probably believe that we are in love while I am writing to you. I can easily put myself in that state.
VOILà — — — —
And we are in love. See, wasn’t that easy ?You are my dear sweet friend and I really do love you. But at the same time, I certainly am not going to throw away my present life relationship for a stranger. You are new and exciting, but the thought of parlaying this into a real romance, the kind of romance where all caution is thrown to the wind, that is simply not happening. I want my muse to read the things that I write to her and tell me how it makes her feel. I want it to be a fulfilling experience for her as well, but I certainly don’t want to confuse her mind.
I had this rapport with a dear friend. Unfortunately, things were said and tempers flared and even though we are still friends, her connection to me as a muse is gone. It’s just not the same anymore. That’s a sad thing. So then I found a new muse, but she forgot it was pretend, and she thought I was playing for real.
I think she’s had it with me because she forgot we had a deal. I was never going to change my life for her and she would never change her life for me. She was my muse and I loved her very much and I miss her so much. Of course there’s an emotional connection. I would have to be a fool not to recognize that there is an emotional connection.
I miss that connection, but my muse doesn’t want to be my muse anymore. We were toying with real feelings and coming to terms with ourselves whether we are the muse or the poet.

I really truthfully love my muse. I know I’ve lost her and my sadness can’t be measured. You can’t help but fall in love with your muse. I think it’s understandable. But it’s mostly not real it may be a little bit like falling in love with your psychologist. As poets, we learn to be extremely expressive. That makes us vulnerable. You have to be super sensitive when going deep into your psyche. Poets are not like other people — we are way more high strung.

I think my wife would say “Way more crazy”.