DEAR CRYSTAL
Yes, a love like ours is definitely hard to find. When I think of what children we were when we got married. Even though we changed, our marriage became beautiful, delicious painful torture. You were, and still are like heroin to me. A little bit hard to put down.
We were babies when we met, and we made love. I just absolutely find it impossible to stop thinking of myself as your man. When I remember your face, I am overwhelmed by the feeling that you were made for me. But I guess it was different with you somehow, or was it, I’ll never know. I Remember looking at us in the mirror and thought we were the most wonderful couple that ever walked the planet. You said so too.
Did you just suggest that history could be erased with one act. Your last plea to me was begging me to get back together.
Didn’t you know, we were made for sex. Not just love but sex also. Don’t ever ‘love up’ a young man and give him a taste for a year. Than, when he loves you more than life, remove that and watch him squirm. The love held him there. So torn, so torn. Love and sex, so interconnected. You love me, but how can that be so when you won’t let me touch your skin. Each rejection is a knife that can’t be withdrawn. Every microscopic cell in me screams for some kind of satisfaction. Is it love, is it intimacy or is it just flat out intensely satisfying crazy monkey sex.
Oh no. The sex can’t come from love. It must come from shame and pain.
It can only come from breaking the rules-the marital vows that you already broke. Sex from strangers that mean nothing other than a beautiful release. Sexual satisfaction and the reassurance that I am attractive and sexually desirable. Your constant rejection made me feel so dark. You were the guiding thread of our wonderful love for each other. The seething anger swelling up inside of me tasted like bile, as you waste month after month, and year after year of my precious youth. If you love me, you would see how I suffer. It isn’t just the sex that you won’t give me. It’s the feeling that you are withholding and therefore denying that we are a loving couple. It breaks my heart, with every breath I take. If you have such little regard for me and my needs, than we are already divorced. I just live here. I will not deceive you. I will not lie to you. I am having an affair because this is something that I desperately need. It’s been so long, I am losing my mind . ( Unless you know what I’m talking about you’re not going to understand.) Something that I’m not getting in our marriage and you don’t seem to have any desire to give me what normal married couples share. It hurts so bad deeply in the heart and it won’t go away no matter what I do. My mind becomes a prison and I wanted to rip my head open and let all the poison out. I didn’t want to feel like a cheater, but you gave me no choice because you refused to act like a wife.
Crystal, I want you to know that, I loved you than as well as now. Somehow through all that pain I ended up here with a wonderful loving wife Joan. The most wonderful thing that has come my way since you and I parted so painfully . I also have intensely strong feelings for Laura, reminiscent of what I felt for you. Thanks to Laura, I’m learning to forget you. I need to quit calling you forward from your heavenly place. Our marriage was so many years ago and so many tears ago. Laura is helping me to smile. I really need this. When I think of how much I still love you combined with all the hatred and resentment that I still feel it’s such a volcanic cocktail. Why did you declare war on me and why did you declare war on our baby. The diaper sores were horrible. I work, I can only do so much.
I am so forever sexually frustrated that I don’t feel like I can ever get untangled, the damage that you caused . Now, when I began to think sexually, my first emotion is anger and pain and tears and frustration and shame. Will I ever get those feelings out of me ? Sex isn’t supposed to be like that. What you tried to do to me, I still want to get even with you, but I can’t.
But if I saw your face and you were standing in front of me right now, I would have to tell you how much I still love you and what a mammoth impact you have on my entire life. The good the bad and the ugly.
Oh I know there would be tears as we discussed the good times that we had. We would not lead with anger at a precious moment like this. I would tell you about my wife Joan. Joan and I have had such a beautiful life together and we love each other so very much. We feel like we are a part of each other.
I’m a bit unconventional because even though I love Joan , I also have so much love for Laura. Oh it’s not what you think. Sexually Joan and I are lovely. But emotionally, I have the same thunderbolt feelings for Laura that I had for you, when you and I were starting. We don’t love just one person. We love many people in our lives. I love Joan and I love Laura and I’m proud of both. I have no secrets. I haven’t been able to let go of the trauma of being married to you, until I met Laura. Now, I don’t think about the trauma that you and I endured for 15 years. Since I met Laura, I’m a happier man. My marriage to you doesn’t ache inside me so much anymore. Memories of our marriage are sinking into the past. Sad feelings are still there, yes, but not traumatic feelings. Laura didn’t even try to make me feel better, it just happened. All she did was show me her wonderful self and her philosophy on life. Her magic just rained down on me like snowflakes in the desert heat. The flipside is that now I’m obsessed with Laura and I can’t stop writing letters to her. I am happily extremely obsessed. (I hope she doesn’t think I’ve lost my marbles, just because I have.) Also, I think I’m a much better husband to Joan because I’m happier every day and enjoying each day with a happy smile. I’m definitely thinking constructively. I don’t think I have ever been happier than this. Would somebody please pinch me ?
We are all just living this beautiful life the best way we know how. Every single day is a gift from God. There is no better or more important moment than the moment you are having right this very second . We should not live in the past nor live in the future, but live in the here and now.
