CHRISTMAS BLUES, YOU ARE NOT ALONE — — -PART A

# 25……….A penpal letter from the meek and humble James to Love

Hi you dear friend. I would like to talk to you man the man. (That’s a crummy start Jim, She’s a woman) No really, I want to talk to you man to man. We’ve been writing back and forth for some time now and we decided to keep it uplifting and positive because of Christmas. But , thank God it’s December 26. Half of me enjoys Christmas’ immensely, and half of me sees it as a traumatic PTSD event. As I said, thank God it’s December 26. I hope you won’t be shocked by my words today. Sometimes I feel like my heart is burning through my chest. I don’t have any trouble enjoying Christmas at all, not really, just as long as I leave half of my heart out in the garage. It’s just that each year, I get crushing depression at Christmas time. I feel like I’m the only one, that I’m alone . It scares me that in a year, so many things can change, just like in the past. I don’t like change.. I try to stifle that and become the little kid that loved Christmas so dearly. So basically, what I’m saying is that each Christmas there are two of me. One of me loves Christmas with every fiber of my being — — the love, friends, gifts, music, food everything about it. The other person inside of me feels like I came from a horrid war. This is how I felt being married to my ex wife, Crystal . I was 13 years in a prisoner of war camp with daily mental torture. There were so many casualties, truly . I don’t know what to do about this flipping back and forth between joy and tears. Okay. here’s what it feels like Love. When Christmas comes, I love it with every fiber of my childhood self. I have lots of stories about childhood Christmases. They were magic.
But so many things about the holidays remind me of my psychotic marriage. Crystal destroyed everything she touched. I wondered if she’d be sorry or proud that she is screwing up present-day Christmases just like when we were married. I’m glad you have no idea of the horror she put me through. You are my friend and if I told you everything I’m afraid you would give up on me being your friend……………..That’s part of the pain of what she put me through. There is the misplaced ongoing guilt . I think she would love it if my telling you about the war I was in with her, if that drove you away from me because you didn’t want to hear anymore of that. Crystal loved to destroy friendships. When I think about a dear besty, Mary Lynn, I just cry because she threatened her. We were only friends but she was so jealous.I had to remove Mary Lynn from my life just to keep the peace . I just kept taking Crystal’s abuse because I loved her so terribly much . Talk about bittersweet. You know how some abused women stay with their “man.” “Oh,but he’s so wonderful in good times”. It works the other way too. I had my head so far up my ass. I kept coming back time after time after time until I did something drastic. I can’t tell you that now, but I can tell you that I definitely know how to take charge of the situation. (Nothing illegal)I get the job done no matter what it takes. The only thing is Genevieve, I recently got very honest with myself and am admitting that I still am love with her, and the ass hole went and died on me.
This year, I wish we had a pine Christmas tree because I love the smell . I think of all the Christmas tree hunting adventures I’ve had in my life. Now thanks to the ongoing global pandemic dejuer, I have to decide whether I want to have a real Christmas tree or to LIVE . ……
I remember beautiful Christmas trees with bubble lights and tinsel when I was a little kid. I also remember the flipside of the coin of being newly married and for some reason, I was uncontrollably angry and kicked the Christmas tree clear across the living room. If she was going to end Christmas for me, I was going to end Christmas for her.. I definitely won. What I won, I don’t know..
In spite of polio, God gave me wicked strong legs. The fully decorated 6 foot Christmas tree was beautifully spectacular as it flew 30 feet across the living room and splashed against the wall and broke every light and ball..It even hit the cieling which put English type spin on it’s fateful flight .
Most of those Christmases with real Christmas trees were delightful . You may think that it is going to be the way forever, but now I’m looking at a ceramic tree — — yippee ? It has a little knob and you can turn up the music. It will play jingle bells over and over until blood starts coming out of your ears .
It’s not fair to Joan for me to be a sadsack for Christmas. She has a delightful child’s playfulness about Christmas and I never want that to change. I try to hide the sadness inside of me and also be joyful and I do a pretty good job. You would be proud of me Genevieve. I know how to swallow my tears and I am really good at putting out a fake ass smile. We honestly did have fun though. She did not want to listen to very much Christmas music which I was happy about. Some Christmas songs, I just start crying like a little girl. I’m never ashamed of my tears, I’m proud of them. Too many people hide their tears and it makes me mad when they do that. Emotions are beautiful, people should never hide them. If that old Elvis song — Blue Christmas reminds you of the past, go ahead and let the waterworks come. Just tell whoever, that you’re overwhelmed by their friendship and love and how beautiful this Christmas is and that these are tears of joy. That’s not a lie. That’s also the truth. Emotions can be a beautiful mixture of things both soul restoring and soul destroying, and that compounded by Christmas, makes the emotional merry-go-round become even more infinite.
I enjoy every one of my emotions Genevieve, I think Christmas time makes them come at me all at once and sometimes it’s just overwhelming.
It is also so beautiful……I know this is kind of a sad letter love. If people are reading our back-and-forth letters, they might notice that this was very much different because it’s not so funny anymore. You’re my friend love, I consider you a very close friend now. Is it okay if I dump a little baggage on you now and then.? ? ? I invite you to do the same thing. Maybe we can have a big juicy pity party. I enjoy trying to be funny but I got a lot of drama in my life. If I write about that now and then, I hope you and anybody reading this is not turned off if I wax a tad negative. I shouldn’t say negative when I mean emotional. Genevieve, this might sound a little bit corny but somehow I feel that I’m not the only one that has had upsetting Christmases. Perhaps in reading this, anybody feeling down at Christmas time may feel a certain camraderie with me. It’s my hope that anybody feeling down this Christmas might feel less blue just to know, “You are not alone” as sung by Michael Jackson. It’s nice to know that there are other people out there that also had a less than happy Christmas and you cannot be the only one.
The mind believes what you tell it. Feed your mind positivity and truth and love. The only advice I can give somebody that can’t shake the blues away is to remember who your friends are. and keep a “ STIFF UPPER LIP “. (And keep your grubby mitts offa Love.
She’s my best friend. Get your own best friend, sucker . )