CATHARSIS GOLD
I’m a do-it-yourselfer. I only rely on the expert advice of others as advice that I can use or not use. I rely on myself for everything. I am my own doctor, and a damn good one too . I am my own dentist. I make nutritional supplements out of dried organic superfood powder. I eat all organic. I breathe only HEPA filter plus activated charcoal filtered air. I drink only water that has been quadruple filtered through charcoal and membranes. I exchange the air in the house through the use of a whole house fan regularly because activated charcoal can only do so much and households are the most toxic places on earth.
I am also my own psychiatrist and for most of my life I have been devastated by my brokenhearted feelings for my first wife. We divorced very dramatically because I just couldn’t take it anymore and maintain my sanity. Then, she passed away, which ended any oportunity for healthy closure………..
But I’m a writer. Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean that I can’t still talk to her when I write. I never realized until recently how cathartic this act was. I don’t know how I landed on this idea, I think it was from advice from a dear friend far away, in Stralia. (You know who you are sweetie.)
Even though my ex-wife is dead, she’s not dead in my mind. There is no reason in the world why we can’t continue to talk and resolve to some degree some of the painful issues that broke us up. You guys all know the power that’s in words. Your brain is like a child that will believe fairy tales focused on good things , especially when it feels real………There’s no real pressure to resolve anything. It might be enough just to have a nice sitdown conversation on friendly terms. It feels good inside of you. These conversations I’m having with my first wife are so overdue and so emotional and cathartic, that I literally cry my ass off. I might even be super emotional over the conversation into the next day. But after that, it’s as though the clouds lifted and the sun is coming through. When I think about my ex-wife, I don’t feel hatred anymore. I feel quiet resolve. I’m way more accepting of ,”that was then and this is now.” This is the most important part, dear reader, that I think you should observe. I had no idea how much I was hurting myself with my hatred of how my ex treated me. I internalized that pain and blamed myself too, so I had that too. By talking to her as I have in this letter and two previous letters I wrote here on Medium, I’m seeing things in a much more positive light and am no longer hurting myself with anger. These letters have been very therapeutic for me. I would advise anyone who is grieving or troubled by any matter whatsoever to sit down and write about it. Talk with somebody that you loved and lost or somebody that you’re angry with. Who cares if that person is no longer around to tell them so, tell it in your writing. It will do your brain a lot of good. — But mostly it’ll do your heart a world of good.. Well, here I go folks — I feel a flood of tears coming on. I can tell I don’t need any more salt today, I taste way to salty. I’m a salty dog.
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Now, I will address you directly Crystal…..There’s plenty of songs from when we were together that declared how miserable I was at the time. I’m just going to put happy songs or realistic music projected into my memory of you. I love you incredibly (I cry to think of how deeply I love you), no one ever could possibly have loved you more than I did , I’ll never get over you, but it’s okay now. If it’s okay with you too, just remind me with an 11:11 now and then. The song by Emily West, makes me explode with tears because it’s so emotional and this woman, even looks like you.
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I wrote a poem dedicated to you Chris. I call it :
FORGIVENESS
Does the flesh forgive the knife,
does the heart forgive the pain.
When you love someone like that
and return is only rain.
Don’t twist the knife anymore
that never solved the thing
I just recall how my heart tore
but that can’t happen ever again
Five thousand nights I saw your face
I prayed you would be mine
I know you felt just the same
but each other we could never find
I met you in the autumn
beautiful leaves fell on that hill
your eyes sparkled just for me
in truth the world stood still
I kissed you and you kissed me back
things could never be the same
it felt like holy water running through me
nothing will ever be like this again.
Admitting to myself that I still love you Crystal, and just as much as I always did, has been so good for my mind. I’m married and I have a few dear friends and I love them all immensely. I freely admit that I am ever so in love today with my wife, Joan. I love her more than my own life because she means everything to me. By admitting how much I love you, my dear first wife, rather than denying it, I’m a much better and happier man these days. End result, thanks to you, I realize just how valuable and necessary it is to love and hold those people around you that mean everything to you .
Colleen Millsteed Millsteed and Claire Franky and Love
