AN EMAIL TO JESUS
I would like to speak to you today Jesus, if I may. I’m very new at this so please forgive me if I don’t follow protocol. I don’t know how I am supposed to talk to you, so I’m going to talk to you as though I were talking to myself. If I do that, I think I will be more at ease.
I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but thank you for giving me such a long beautiful life. In so very many ways, mine has been a charmed life. Certainly, like everybody else, I’ve had to endure hard things in my life. Are you rewarding me early for being tough and not giving up and not coming to see you way too soon? I feel like this part of my life was like a gift for the hardships I endured.
I’m having such a difficult time right now. Maybe people do understand but they don’t know what to do or what to say to me . . I need to talk something out and I’m pretty sure you got the time to hear me. I hope you can listen to me as long as it takes for me to feel better. I know I’m kind of a stranger to you because this is the first time I’ve ever talked to you, but you are somewhat of a stranger to me as well . However, I am ever so open to having a loving friend.
Something happened recently that has literally turned my tiny little world upside down and I’m not seeing things the same. I feel like I have changed a bit. I couldn’t tell you how exactly or why I feel this way, but I just feel like I have a shaky but , at the same time, stronger grip on reality. Maybe trauma and grief can have that effect .
This all happened with the suicide death of Sinead O’Connor. Oh, let me please beg for her memory to be understood and not judged like so many did.
She traveled between heaven to hell repeatedly all of her life and she just couldn’t help what she did. I hate what she did so much but I guess she just wanted out. I feel like a snail that somebody poured salt all over. Very emotional outbursts happen when she crosses my mind. I just start crying even in the middle of the day while simply doing dishes. . I’ve tried but I can’t stop thinking about her and that she won’t be around anymore to even try to mend her life and it feels like a piece of my meat was torn out of me. She captured my heart a long time ago with the tragic story of her upbringing and to have everything end like this was the frosting on a very ugly cake.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud that I can cry for such a wonderful human being as Sinead and I don’t feel it’s a bad thing that I show such extreme emotion. It’s just that it’s getting excessive and something difficult for me to have control over. It just comes out of nowhere and hits me like a bittersweet sledgehammer. I’m very proud of my tears for Sinead. But, it’s been several weeks since she died and I think I need to move my grieving into a place where I can manage it better. I wonder if you could please help me to do that. If I want to put her on a pedestal, I’d like to do that but without the tears.
I don’t know why that girl affects me the way she does, but she just does. I feel like I’ve known her personally for years.
Her music is so ethereal and it’s not for everybody, but I just love the emotion she puts into her craft of writing lyrics and musical notes and singing of that. So many artists sound hollow to me when compared to Sinead’s work because they are unable to express human emotion as well as Sinead can, or I should say “ could “ .
When she took her own life, at first I couldn’t believe it. And then it felt like I just started coming apart inside. I’m sure millions grieved but I felt as though I was grieving for her all by myself. That’s just the way I felt whether it was true or not.
It would be difficult to totally explain why I would cry so much over a total stranger, but grieving comes from deep inside of you and just bursts out of you spontaneously. It’s not a choice. It’s beautiful and one should never hide or suppress in any way and not question its origin. If you could hear her sing Jesus, let it be her songs “ Jackie “ or “ This Is To Mother You “ which truly illustrate this strong internally beautiful Irish girl’s talent. I know she is right there with you and please know that you will never find a more beautiful angel’s voice. Every once in a while, please let her sing lead in the choir of angels.
Unfortunately, when you are grieving like this, strangers can not hold you and tell you that everything is going to be okay and tell you that it’ll hurt for a little while more so just let it out . I think that’s all I wanted.
Right now, I am listening to Sinead singing with Willie Nelson in a song called “ Don’t Give Up “……….. I don’t think she wanted to give up but she just couldn’t take it anymore so here I go getting emotional again..
Listening to her sing is an acquired taste. She could be sweet and delicate as a little song bird or she could sing loud and at the top of her lungs like nobody else can,………….. oh, I guess I should say “ could “.
Roberta told me that you will always be my friend if I wanted that.
I think it’s okay with me and I hope it’s okay with you . I have a huge gift of gab and I am glad you have lots of time to listen. I believe you have every bit of time for me that I seem to need.
Did you make sure I had a wonderful life because I did you know and what a wonderful life it has been. I was raised by the best Mom and Dad in the world. They gave me such a happy outlook on life no matter what obstacles got in the way. I’ve had the present blessing of a long marriage with a woman whom with I share a special loving bond and who understands me in spite of my pitfalls and loves me in spite of myself, anyway. In addition to that, up among the pines is such a sweet girl I referred to her as my Doris Day. Her name is Roberta and you know her very well. She talks to you all the time. Please watch over her because she is precious cargo to me. Please also watch over that man that makes Roberta happy, Jerry.
I don’t know how I got so lucky. As a little kid I caught polio and survived even though kids around me were dying. I grew up and entered into a nightmare of a marriage that lasted for 13 years, but I overcame all of that. Everybody has difficulty in this world and I want you to know that I will never ever think that you create negative things. That’s just life and part of being human. But I think , Jesus, with your help , it’s possible to just let it go and be positive and dare I say it — even uplifted. There have been many times in my life that I felt as if somebody up there must like me because of how things eventually turned out . I eventually overcame huge obstacles and rolled a boulder uphill many times over. Sometimes it seemed as though relief came from nowhere and came at exactly the right time. Some people might say coincidence but others might have another theory.
You know, I have not always been a good boy and I have done things that I am not proud of. I think forgiveness starts from within ourselves. Yes, if we forgive ourselves for whatever we perceive that we’ve done that was wrong, isn’t that a good point where we might come to you ask for just a little bit of help with that. We are only human and we react to our environment and if our environment is hurtful, we are prone to react in illogical and wrong ways. When I think about WWJD, I think you would tell me to not hide from the past. Be respectful of it even if it hurts because it’s a part of your life so it should never be suppressed, just mitigated in a way as a life lesson of sorts .
Every person on earth has sad stories. You didn’t cause all of that misery, we did that all by ourselves. It makes me bothered when they blame you .
Hard life lessons will always be there for everyone, but look at the wonders that can happen. I think when a person has had a rough time in life, they may wish to hold on to those people around them, and want to love them fiercely and never let any of them go realizing how important good loving people are in life.
If we feel compelled to hold those who we love tighter to us than we ever have before, then let that happen by all means.
I surmise that time is different for you than it is for me but none the less perhaps you have more important things to do.
Thank you for being such a good listener. Could you keep the door open just a little bit in case I need to talk to you again down the road.
